The Gap Between Who You Are and Who You Are Pretending to Be
And How to Close It
There are two versions of you.
Version 1 lives in the privacy of your mind. Real thoughts. Real doubts. Real desires. Wonders if you’re on the right path. Feels things you’re “not supposed to” feel. Has the “usual” fears and anxieties.
Version 2 is what everyone sees. Carefully built. Socially appropriate (mostly). Has it all figured out. Produces results. Looks good on the outside.
The gap between these versions is exhausting. Ever felt it?
How the gap gets created
I don’t think anyone sits down and decides to create a false self. That’s not how it happens.
It starts small. When you’re young, you learn which parts of you are “acceptable” and which aren’t. You observe that the ambitious part gets praised. The vulnerable part gets dismissed. The sensitive part is too much. The part that needs rest is lazy.
So you start editing and adjusting who you are… sometimes subconsciously. You start emphasizing the parts that get approved, and minimizing those that don’t.
By the time you’re an adult, this editing has become so automatic that you forget you’re doing it.
The ‘social’ version, Version 2, feels like the real you. And the actual you, Version 1, with all the contradictions, the doubts, the parts that don’t fit the story, gets locked away.
But it doesn’t stay quiet. The sound of the gap gets louder and more desperate, trying to get your attention through anxiety, through that nagging sense that something is fundamentally wrong.
The real cost
Living split like this drains you dry.
Nobody knows the real you. It also leaves you confused over time, and you don’t know the real you anymore.
You make decisions based on what looks good instead of what feels right. You build a career based on what you’re supposed to want instead of what actually fires you up. You maintain relationships based on acceptable social constructs instead of genuine connection.
The bigger the gap, the more exhausted you become. You’re literally maintaining two separate lives, and they’re pulling in opposite directions.
I used to think I could close the gap by becoming better at the ‘social’ version. Exceed everyone’s expectations. Get more impressive. Build a bigger audience. Achieve more. Do everything right. Be that nice guy.
I thought if the achievement was big enough, maybe I’ll feel more complete. I never did. Because you can’t fill a void by stacking things on top of it. You have to address the void itself.
How you can close the gap
The gap closes when you’re willing to be seen as you actually are. You have to find what authenticity looks like for you.
Mostly, the authentic you is somewhere between the sorted and the not-so-sorted version of you… a still-figuring-it-out person who’s part “angel”, part “devil”… at times messy and contradictory.
And that requires accepting yourself as work in progress.
To start closing the gap, you have to be willing to lose the safety of social acceptance and validation. Not everyone around you will “get it”. You may be misunderstood and judged, you’ll have to be willing to be okay with the rejections that accompany that journey.
That’s HARD, and takes REAL COURAGE. But what I’ve learned is that’s the only authentic way to live and be at peace with yourself.
What closes the gap is a conscious choice. A choice to build your life around what’s actually true for you instead of what looks good from the outside. This is a choice to let yourself be seen.
It looks like small things at first. Having real boundaries, saying no to something that doesn’t align even though it looks good. Saying yes to something that fires you up even though it’s risky. Sharing something real when your instinct is to keep peace by staying silent.
Gradually, the gap gets smaller. The outer version and the inner version start to converge.
The magical moment
Then it happens.
You realize those inner whispers… the instincts you dismissed for validation… were always right.
That’s your Feeling Eye. Your true guidance.
The world doesn’t magically fix itself.
But you discover an authenticity no external validation can touch.
The world keeps doing what it does. But you are at ease, and at home within.
Feeling this tension? Reply: “My gap is [x]”. I read every comment.
If this resonated, restack it. Share it. Or just sit with it. All is well.
@thefeelingeye
Love this so much. Embracing authenticity has truly changed my life 😌 thank you for writing this
Great article! Yes, that split really is draining. I let all that go a few years ago and never looked back.